My memorable travel

Some years ago, we went to Gheshm ialand.At the first,we went to Bandarabbas
by train.When we wanted to enter to that city ,I felt asthma and I coudnt breath
because there was muggy (hot and wet).
After that we went to Gheshm by big boat, somebody were got seasick although the
way wasnt long ,it was 15minute.but I like that.
All the time we had to stay in hotel and we coudnt came out that except for shopping
and swimming. My brother often swam in the sea because Persian Golf has very clean
water and you can see bottom of the sea from 1 to 1.50m height and it has very
beautiful beach with a lot of different and interesting sea beings.
I had never seen such beautiful sea and beach before.
we too visited some atteractions in there(e.g.Portuguese castle-Hara jungles...)
and boats,ships and jettys that they were on the ground in the night and they were
in the middle of sea in the morning because there are ebb and flow.
One day asinger came to our hotel ,he was Mahmmod Jahan and he had a concert
in the beach so we went to the concert too.
At night, when sound of waves and music combined together so it was very nice
and I had never heard such that melody before.

Fatemeh.Sh wrote:

Some years ago, we went to Gheshm ialand.At the first,we went to Bandarabbas
by train.When we wanted to enter to that city ,I felt asthma and I coudnt breath
because there was muggy (hot and wet).
After that we went to Gheshm by big boat, somebody were got seasick although the
way wasnt long ,it was 15minute.but I like that.
All the time we had to stay in hotel and we coudnt came out that except for shopping
and swimming. My brother often swam in the sea because Persian Golf has very clean
water and you can see bottom of the sea from 1 to 1.50m height and it has very
beautiful beach with a lot of different and interesting sea beings.
I had never seen such beautiful sea and beach before.
we too visited some atteractions in there(e.g.Portuguese castle-Hara jungles...)
and boats,ships and jettys that they were on the ground in the night and they were
in the middle of sea in the morning because there are ebb and flow.
One day asinger came to our hotel ,he was Mahmmod Jahan and he had a concert
in the beach so we went to the concert too.
At night, when sound of waves and music combined together so it was very nice
and I had never heard such that melody before.

Very good writing F! well done!
Since this was an assignment I need to correct it. I'll just point out some of the mistakes.

blue = wrong word
green = suggested replacement
pink = missing word
red = extra word
dark red = grammar

Some years ago, we went to Gheshm ialand. At {the} first,we went to Bandarabbas
by train.When we wanted to enter to that city ,I felt asthma and I coudnt breath
because there was muggy (hot and wet). (the weather was muggy)
After that we went to Gheshm by a big boat, somebody were got seasick although the
way wasnt long ,it was 15minute. but I like that.
All the time we had to stay in hotel and we coudnt came out that except for shopping and swimming. My brother often swam in the sea because Persian Golf has very clean
water and you can see bottom of the sea from 1 to 1.50m height and it has very
beautiful beach with a lot of different and interesting sea beings.
I had never seen such a beautiful sea and beach before.
we too visited some atteractions in there(e.g.Portuguese castle-Hara jungles...)
and boats,ships and jettys that they were on the ground in the night and they were
in the middle of sea in the morning because there are ebb and flow.
One day a singer came to our hotel ,he was Mahmmod Jahan and he had a concert
in the beach so we went to the concert too.
At night, when sound of waves and music combined together so it was very nice
and I had never heard such that a melody before.